When you work hard at something, you want the reward.
If you don’t get the reward, you feel hard done by.
You become a victim.
That person, place, or thing took it away from you.
(even if you never had ‘said’ thing to begin with)
It hurts.
You feel it.
Sometimes you feel angry, others times said.
Often, a mix of so many emotions.
And one thing leads to another, and this often creates doubt and insecurity.
No matter how big or small, it creeps into your mind.
Am I good enough?
Do I have what it takes?
Maybe they are right!
How dare they!
They don’t know what I mean. If they did, they would agree with me…
I felt this earlier today. I created something and I shared it.
I shared it because I wanted feedback (so I can make it better… so I can figure out if it works and is relevant).
Guess what happened? I got some feedback.
Guess what else happened? I felt initially hurt by this feedback,
In my head, what I created made sense. I liked it. I had begun to take ownership of it because I was the one who created it.
I’m in my head all the time, so I create these biased views.
And when someone else comes in and rejects them (even when I ask them to), part of me says “hold on a minute… who are you? go away! no, that’s not right.”
I know you can relate right now.
We all feel and do this on occasion.
We work hard, we put in the effort, and we want the reward.
As a kid, our parents would bribe us with treats.
“Be good as we shop, and I’ll get you a cookie.”
“Have a haircut and I’ll buy you some sweets.”
“Do well in school and I’ll get you that toy.”
So we would do the work, and we would get the reward. If not, we would scream the house down.
We’re still that kid.
We’re still that little kid who wants a treat because we did “X”.
Yet… this isn’t how life works.
Effort is what you put in. The outcome.. often decided by another.
My better half Rosanna works damn hard as a teacher. She is good. She is always improving. But sometimes a parent or her ‘head teacher’ says or does something, and it hurts.
She controls the effort, but she doesn’t control the outcome.
I control the effort I put into my own projects (what I create), but I don’t control the outcome (the feedback I get, and whether someone buys or not).
In fact, if you were to dissect your life bit-by-bit, you would realise that you control almost all the effort, and hardly ever the outcome.
At times, we don’t want to control the effort. We make out that we don’t have a choice. But we do.
At times we like to think we control the outcome, and we get to make our own luck. But we don’t. Life does. It plays by its own rules.
And for the most part, “life” doesn’t give a shit about you.
This isn’t to say it’s out to get you, but it certainly doesn’t pander to you.
And all this leads to your entitlement; the feeling that you’re special; the assumption that you deserve something; and the thought that you are a victim.
Earlier today, I quietly played the victim-card in my head.
I couldn’t help it.
My inners tangled as I read the feedback, and the wandering thoughts whooshed to the forefront.
“Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”
“Maybe you should quit.”
“Maybe he hates you.”
“Maybe you’re an idiot.”
“Maybe it will always be like this.”
Wah-wah-wah, what utter bullshit!
My mind is stupid. The fact it goes down this road is beyond fathom.
A few words does this to me, and chances are you can relate all too well now because maybe you have felt like this already today.
These wandering thoughts come from somewhere: our beliefs, insecurities, past, fears, and whatever else.
They don’t pop up for no reason. They are there because we’re imperfect human-beings who are fucked in the head.
We’re all insane, because we have no idea what we’re doing.
So we play the victim. We pout and feel sorrow.
Whether this is for seconds or weeks at a time, it doesn’t matter.
It’s a waste. My meandering nonsense earlier… a waste.
That feedback was good, by the way. Constructive and with love. Helpful to say the least. It will, I am certain, help me turn good into great.
Yet still, for a few moments, I was a victim.
Still, for far too long after, my stomach felt uneasy.
Silly I know, but this is my truth, and I’m almost certain it’s yours.
So what’s the answer. What’s the step by step solution to your state of victimhood?
There is none. Not really. At least, not initially.
The fact is, you will feel what you feel. Over time you can control this and train your mind and body to react a certain way. But this takes a long time, and life will continue to fuck you as you figure it out.
No question, life will fuck you.
But this isn’t to say a guiding path doesn’t exist.
It does.
And in my opinion it is this:
— — -
Step #1: FEEL…
When something or someone happens to you, feel it. Don’t fight it. Let your body and mind do its thing.
If this means you cry, fine. If you shout, whatever. If you punch a wall, go with it. In time, you can bit-by-bit fix these reactions, but right now just let these initial reactions be what they be.
Don’t fight them or feel bad.
You’re human. Like me, you’re an idiot.
— — -
Step #2: QUESTION…
Once your initial nonsense has played out, question it.
And don’t let this initial nonsense take control. Give it a few seconds, but once you’re through punching the wall, force yourself to stop.
Then, ask yourself: “is this real?”
Seriously, is your insecurity, fear, doubt, or whatever else real?
Are you really a victim, or have you just made it up?
In other words, is this real or is this your goddam ego?
— — —
Step #3: ACCEPT…
Assuming it isn’t real (because it rarely is), accept that there is another way.
It isn’t to say you can’t ‘feel’ or have to walk around with a smile on your face. You allowed yourself to feel. And you don’t have to smile, although smiling may make you feel better.
But you’ve just come to the conclusion that what you’re feeling isn’t real.
You are a victim, but you are the person who made this so.
Accept it. Accept that you’re lying to yourself right now. Accept that this is your doing.
That initial feeling is natural (out of your control).
But playing the victim-card right now… that’s on you.
— — — -
Step #4: ACT…
All that’s left to do is to act.
Take the feedback on board. Seek lessons. Search for growth.
You’re a victim because you choose to be one, so take action.
Do something about it.
And there you have it… your step-by-step guide to never being a victim ever again.
Easy, right?
Of course not!
This isn’t easy. You’re fighting your own fragile mind and reactions, so every single time this happens is a new fight.
And chances are it will always be like this.
Chances are you will always react this way.
Your aim shouldn’t be to not feel it, but instead to make the time spent feeling it less and less.
This is progress, and this is enough.
