I stare at the toothbrush. Imagine it’s sharper.
Sharp enough to cut through me. To cut through my despair; cut through my sadness; my frustration; my anger, frailty, negativity.
The negativity that consumes me, blinds me from all I have. The negativity that speaks to me, up and over anything positive in my world.
I put down the toothbrush.
Look to the mirror, a tear in my eye.
“I’m sorry”, I whisper.
To Imogen
To George
To Rosanna
My Family
Myself…
A moment of weakness, again.
No, not weakness. But rather, human-ness.
You cannot control how you feel.
Only how you react to it.
But too often of late I’ve reacted like this.
Picking up a half-empty glass and drinking from it.
Tired.
Worn out.
Fed up!
I talk about how you should #FucktheHustle.
In recent months I have not.
Not by throwing myself into my work and grinding out 18-hour days… oh no, for me it’s all surrounded family life and family living.
A one year-old that doesn’t sleep.
A tunnel that doesn’t seem to have an end.
I’ve lost myself, not looked after my self.
I haven’t #FuckedtheHustle …
I wrote the above mere minutes after leaving an outdoor hot-tub. As I waited for Rosanna to join me, I noted my thoughts as they came forward.
My muscles hummed from the heat and bubbles.
Before that, I had sat in a steam room and melted.
Before that, I pushed beyond my comfort zone in the gym.
Before that, a peaceful and long (uninterrupted) sleep.
Before that, a massage; me dissolving into her fingers.
And as I sat in the waiting room, writing the above, I reflected on the aftermath of my broken body and mind. For months I had longed for this spa getaway. I knew I needed it, but didn’t know how much I did.
My muscles literally vibrated.
I felt my blood pour through veins.
I ached in a way that wasn’t painful.
I felt in a daze, verging on faint.
The toxins left me.
The stress dripped from me.
The emotions I pushed down pushed their way back up.
I knew I had been thrusting myself to the limit, but only know did I realize how hard I had pushed through and past them.
Another tear swelled in my eye.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Sorry for neglecting my mind and body.
Sorry for pushing and prodding.
Sorry for the #hustle I’m so set against.
These last six months have been hard.
The hardest in my life.
To balance work with family, and all that sits in-between…
To balance my own needs with those who I care for…
To balance sleep and the ever-increasing lack of it…
It’s been tough. So tough. But I imagine you may read this and nod along to your own hardships.
I’m certainly not alone in feeling the weight of life.
My pain is no different to many.
Maybe yours is also baby related. Maybe not.
For you it may be family, love, business,
work or something else…
It doesn’t matter. When you feel it, you feel it. You cannot control that. But you can control, even though it’s hard, how you react to it.
Of late, I have not reacted well. I’ve driven deeper into the chaos. I’ve self-pitied and hung on my sorrow. I know better, but I am just human.
We all cave, from time to time.
We all drift off the beaten path, on occasion.
Finding your way back to it is tough. There’s no single solution. But if you read this and “feel” it, know that there is a solution.
That you are not alone.
If you’re the kind of person who heals by speaking to another, speak to someone. Professional or formal, share your ‘everything’ with them.
Let it out of you so you can figure out a way to heal….
But, if like me, you tend to heal by diving within and speaking with yourself, give yourself the time to do so. Maybe you need a spa getaway too, or maybe a walk will do
Whatever it is, give yourself the time to figure out how to heal…
We’re all different, and all come to our own solution in our own way. But the pain we feel and suffer through isn’t unique to us.
We’re all on this journey of life. It’s hard.
Whether you have kids or not.
Whether you own a business or not.
Whether you are employed or not.
Whether you are young or not.
We all share the common ground of being human.
I’ve been really human recently. So human that I lost sight of so much. It took a massage, steam room and outdoor hot-tub to open my eyes.
I’m still in that tunnel. But I now see a light.
